Why I Think 'the Bachelor' Walked

I confess I didn't watch the ABC reality program 'The Bachelor,' up to and including Monday night's finale.  Instead, I watched a PBS documentary Monday night that looked at the historical turning points of Greek democracy.  Yes, that would make me a bit dorky, but don't judge me!  I'm just the type who prefers historical reality TV over so-called 'reality TV.' 

But I made a point to watch Tuesday's 'Bachelor, After the Rose' because of what happened with the Monday night 'Bachelor.'  It was a major topic of conversation at our television station, and apparently across the Treasure Valley as well, for on Monday night, the Bachelor decided rather than choosing from what I am told were two pretty amazing women, he decided he would rather stay alone.

Oh boy, here we go!  You can just imagine the reaction.  "He was just in it for the fun!  He's thinks something better will come along!  Men are so afraid to commit!"  Some single women I heard talking about it seemed downright angry about it.

But after watching the Tuesday night special where the Bachelor was confronted by the final two women he rejected, I think I understand the reason he walked.  He is struggling with something many single men who are dating struggle with romantically (truth be told, including myself).  It is the struggle of how to deal with a seeming imbalance of emotion in a romantic relationship between a man and a woman.

Accuse me of being a sexist, but let's face facts.  Women generally are much more in tune and comfortable with the deep emotions of romance than men are.  That's not true of all women and it's not true of all men, but generally speaking, I think that statement holds true for the vast majority of both sexes.  You don't find many men out there snapping up romance novels or who covet seeing the latest 'chick-flick' tear-jerker from Hollywood.  These are designed to appeal to women, a marketing realization that women and men are different in this one respect.  You know, 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.'  Part of it may be nature, part of it may be nurture, but there must be some reason why most men don't get very emotional even at their own weddings!

The fact us men are wired differently isn't really a barrier for us to have a loving lifelong partnership with a woman.  Our romantic wiring can, however, display itself in the symptoms of what many women complain are men's 'unwillingness to commit.'  It is not because the man is 'just in it for the sex' or 'he's waiting for something better.'  Sometimes, it is the result of real uneasiness that comes from a situation when a man feels somehow the woman he is in a relationship with seems to have stronger feelings for him than he does for her.

Some men just cut those relationships off, quickly and perhaps prematurely.  How often have you heard this story?  A man and a woman make some sort of instant connection, she quickly professes her true love for him, so what does he do?  He runs for the relationship exit ... typically very, very fast!  As the comedian Rita Rudner once said, "Sometimes, they leave skid marks!"  Sometimes, it truly is fear of commitment.  He's not ready!  Other times, he is just fearful of all the repercussions of not being able to emotionally reciprocate at that moment in time.

Other men play the waiting game.  They wait to see if something changes.  They just want some sort of sign before making a lifelong commitment ... a revelation ... a moment ... a realization ... that will make them 100% absolutely proof-positive sure she is 'the one.'  It appears to him the woman in his life is already at that point, and because he loves and cares about her, he really wants to be at that point too.

And so we saw the spectacle of the Bachelor last night telling the woman who was clearly his first choice "I just didn't love you the way you loved me" and yet, "This hurts me more than you know" and "I think of you every day."  And she just sits there completely bewildered, not understanding the utter disconnect she is experiencing.

I don't believe he is lying.  I think he's being very sincere, but he also completely lost because he put himself in a situation on a reality TV show that sells the notion that intense romance is everything, and he just can't keep up.

'The Bachelor' program is 'romance supercharged.'  There is a reason why the demographics of this show lean so heavily towards younger female viewers.  They enjoy all the romantic touches, the exotic locations, the intimate moments, and seeing a man seemingly relish all of it in his quest for true love.  It's a romantic fantasy or sorts with a guaranteed happy ending (or so we thought). 

'The Bachelor' program is a different deal for men.  They are to be the object of desire of all these beautiful, wonderful women, but only if they are willing to play the full romance game women viewers want to see.

For the female contestants, the appeal is that this is a chance to find the true love they cannot seem to find in their real lives with a great guy picked by TV executives as the 'cream of the crop.'  But it is also something else.  It's a competition.  A woman's chance to prove she is special too by beating out all these other beautiful women in their quest for true love.

Years ago, there was a one-time Fox reality show called 'Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire' which ended with a woman going through all these stages to win the millionaire's heart, only to publicly out-and-out dump him in the end.  What happened?  She got so caught up in the competition that she apparently never realized until it was too late that she really didn't want the prize.  It's an indication of the power of the process.

So getting back to this fall's 'Bachelor,' here's this woman who has both won the competition to get to the top while also truly giving her heart and soul to the Bachelor.  She's in so deep, she's overwhelmed by emotion (as exemplified by the fact that she appeared on the 'After the Rose' show hoping the Bachelor would reconsider his decision to reject her).  I can imagine how the depth of her feelings overwhelmed him.  So when he tells her, "I want you to have a man who looks at you the way you look at me," what he is basically saying is "I will never feel for you the way you feel for me right now, and it is freaking me out!"

I do think he's making a mistake, because I don't think there is any possible way this guy will ever feel that as strongly for anyone as she feels for him at that moment ever!  For one, he's not wired that way, and secondly, he didn't have to fight two dozen other guys for her affection in the first place.  There's a depth of female romantic emotion supercharged by competition that he just doesn't have in part because of who he is, and in part because the process was different for him.

But he wants to feel that way, and that's the problem with him and her, and really many of those who seek 'true love.'  I think many men think about the deep romantic emotions of love and say to themselves 'Wow, how cool would it be too feel like that about someone!'  It's a feeling reinforced by romantic movies, romantic novels romantic songs, and romantic reality TV shows (and let's not forget soap operas).  But it's a bit of a dream and a fantasy.  Sure, some do achieve it, but I don't think it is a coincidence that the actors who play the most romantic of roles or the singers who sing the best love songs are usually the ones who are also the most 'emotionally unavailable' in their real lives.  They are kind of drinking their own romantic 'Kool-aid,' and it distances them from reality.

There is of course much more to it than this.  There have been mountains of books written on this very subject.  It also doesn't apply to everyone.  Let's face it.  Some men are pigs!  But many others are not, just confused, a bit conflicted, and perhaps feeling about guilty about their own emotions when confronted with an intense romantic situation like the Bachelor.

What some men need to accept is that they may not be able the feel the kind of romantic intensity many women can feel, and that in the end, that really isn't a barrier to romance or true lifelong happiness as long as they don't obsess over it.  The problem is the Bachelor is obsessing over it, and you get the feeling it is something he is going to struggle with for a long time to come.  He's alone again, but he's hardly alone in that one respect.

Comments

[girlsrawk]

i think you are missing the point entirely in your silly blog . . . if what this guy was looking for was a deep, meaningful relationship, or even a hope of one, why in the world did he go on national t.v. on a stupid reality show to try to find it? i think everyone who participates in this truly awful and demeaning show deserves what they got in the end . . . hurt feelings and nothing to show for it. good riddance.