Margo's Road To Recovery

building pyramids and guided imagery

July 18, 2008

Met MaryAnn Gillis this week.  She’s a survivor of breast cancer and massage therapist.  Also knows a few colorful words and not afraid to use them in her conversations.  One other thing she knows about is guided imagery. 

She told me how she imagined a giant tarantula sucking out her cancer.  She’d considered a butterfly, but realized she’d needed a creature that could handle something nasty.

So later that day when I thought about what I’d envision to help me get rid of cancer, I didn’t adopt Maryann’s arachna-therapy.  I thought of little worker bees or wait, better yet….those hunky guys who built the pyramids.  Yea.  That’s what I want.  Some dark skinned well built, guys to chip away or whatever they need to do to carry off my cancer cells. 

I got a little carried away in my visualization with the hunky guys with their chiseled cheeks, sculpted abs, carved calves in their slinky loin cloths looking slyly at me in that “devil may care way”. Yea they built the pyramids and were probably quite productive, but in my mind’s eye they were just so …..so…. distracting.  I realized that I needed some “get ‘er done” guys.  They’re pot-bellied and wear hard hats and fluorescent vests for safety.  This way I can focus more on getting the job done, the cancer removed, and not so carried away with my Cleopatra fantasy.

So I’m off on my guided, not mis-guided adventure, de-construction crew on hand chipping away at the cancer. 

eyes wide open or glued shut

June 14, 2008

I had my last infusion of Adriamycin on May 22^nd.  The next week I hardly got off the couch.  I didn’t work at all.  It was the Tracy and Carl show.  I just felt exhausted….soooo tired.  I’d been poisoned for 15 weeks and my body had had it. 

It was the last few weeks before the end of the first part of chemo that I lost my eyelashes and eyebrows.  I thought I’d try the glue on kind for a while.  That was a kick.  Ever try to glue something to your eye?  There’s a reason you don’t.  Sometimes the glue gets on both the upper and lower lid and you wind up with eyelids that aren’t exactly stuck together, but you don’t blink fast.  It’s delayed reaction blink.  Then there was the morning that one eyelash was glued on like big jazz hands and the other one drooped like puppy eyes to make me look half surprised!

I’ve given up on them.  I just line my eyes.  No one seems to notice. But what does one do for eyebrows?  I’m considering for that real three dimensional look – dryer lint. 

Then I had two weeks off from any chemo at all.  I’ve been feeling better.  I had some mouth sores and toenail issues that we actually expected earlier in the treatment.  They weren’t all that bad looking back.  At the time it made broadcasting rather difficult.  I’m referring to the mouth sores not the toenails.  There should be, however, some line there about foot in mouth disease. 

Thursday the 12^th I had my first infusion of Taxol and I haven’t had a bad reaction yet. I get a little tired faster, but today (Saturday) for example I was out gardening and then cleaned the garage.  I did have to sit down and rest about 3 or 4 times more than I would have last year. 

I’m taking glutamine to counteract the effect Taxol has on my nervous system.  I can get neuropathy which would make my hands and feet burn and tingle like when they fall asleep. 

This journey has been amazing.  So many times I have to admit I wanted to throw in the towel.  Could be that I’ll have those feelings again before I’m completely done with treatments.  I’ve learned so much, not just about myself, but about how I can better live life.  Slower….with more awareness…. Now. 

insert your own title

May 13^th,

Wow……2 more sessions of adriamycin ,  (probably not spelling it right still, don’t care). 

First of all though Wow….what a great turn out at Race for the Cure.  Congrats to those that pull that stunt off.  Geez…all those bodies…all those t-shirts….all that pink.  And thanks to everyone of you.

I now know first hand what good the monies raised from events like that do.  A Stage 3 breast cancer years ago would have left me far worse for the wear if it weren’t for the tremendous strides in treatments they’ve made.  And it's not done without proper funding.  Thanks to all those individuals and companies and the volunteers who raise those dollars

I now also understand the benefits of community.  It gave me just that much more strength to see and to hear from the hundreds of survivors at the Race. 

It’s past my bedtime, but I’m a little stoked just writing about the Race and the support I’ve gotten in my journey.  And I’m not even half way through.  I can only imagine what more I have to learn about love, friendship and sacrifice. 

My daughter sent my this quote and I do appreciate it more today than a year ago.

"Gloriousness and wretchedness need each other. One inspires us, the other softens us."

Pema Chodron

My daughter also wants me to quit titling these blogs with “road and car” metaphors.  So I’m here  to let you all know I’m putting the brakes on that.  I’m not tailgating that theme any more .  I’ll be putting the pedal to the metal to quickly find a new way to title these blogs.  It's “10-4 good buddy” that there will be no more cheesy tie-ins with the Road to Recovery.  I should have my brain lubed.  I should have my head rotated, my heart checked.  But I’ll have to look the entire “Hemi”sphere to find other titles.  Brother can you spare a title.  I might have to put these blogs on some jacks until I can find some other title theme.  And no mutt idea for me, I want a hybrid.  I want something that will give me mileage.  I want……I want …..I want to cruise into bed that’s what I want.  I’m shifting down now.  Hyper-miling so I’ll have enough energy to brush my teeth. 

Love to you all,

Thanks for being here. 

Easing up on the accelerator

April 30^th,

Whew!  What a time it’s been.  I’ve got 15 minutes until our friend Jon and Stew’s son Roy get here.  It’s rather abnormal for us to have visitors, and yet I was thinking just a moment ago how it’s nice to  have some normalcy and welcome guests.   ( unlike the mice and gophers not-so-welcome-guests, but rather normal for country living).  It’s also nice to have a feel good moment to be able to write.  Those haven’t come too often lately. 

To update.  We’re , (the phone rings, one of the planting crew, ) grandparents.  Ok,  Stew’s a grandparent.  I’m too young to have a son that old.  Not that I’m too old for grandparenting.  Anyway

Chad

and DesiRae are now parents to Elliot Stewart. 

Roy

’s coming home from

Australia

enroute to

Alaska

to work on his doctorate.

And I’m cooking dinner.  Not bad for a Wednesday.  Actually that’s what I’ve found is that when I have a good day like to today.  Take advantage.  Last Thursday which is Chemo day, I took Stew out for a dinner date, because our week-ends are just lousy.  I’m not feeling well enough for much of anything.  The dinner out was the best therapy ever.  Chemo day for me actually works out to be a feel good day.  The effects of the Adriamicyn don’t kick in until Friday or Saturday.  We’ve been so uptight with the (phone rings again,  it’s Marisa - my daughter, then Todd- my brother) treatments and the business and my lack of energy and the list goes on.  We needed some downtime away from the house which is also the office. 

Lessons learned lately:

Down time is good.

The most important thing you can control is your breathing.

Everyone’s thoughts and prayers are so important and I’m so grateful.

And Kale and dandelions make a delightful centerpiece. 

Looking forward to seeing you all at the Komen race for the cure.  My plan is to spend the few days before that Saturday resting up so I can make it. 

On the road again

I realize it's been a month now since I last blogged.  It's been a real bear lately.  I have not been in the mood for writing.  I'm still not really.  Today however I thought I'd try.  Iin the process I ran across a letter I wrote my mom on one unusually tough day and I wanted to share it with you. 

Dear Mom,

I’m up this morning aching thru every pore, I’m not sure why.  Today (Wednesday) was my best day. I didn’t have to take nausea medicine (last week I couldn’t spell naousea).  But I woke up about midnight and felt like I’d been hit by a Mac truck.  And restless.  So I took a bath and read a little more in Elizabeth Gilbert’s “Eat Pray  Love”.   She’s in

India

right now and learning about the divinity inside her.  I won’t go into it right now, but the reading made me think of you. 

She was looking for a living guru and I realize that I have a living guru in my life and she is you.  I’m so blessed right now to be able to channel your spirit and grace, patience and love, and tremendous insight through my blogging.  I have so many women responding and I hope that it helps just a few.  I was going for just one, but I really think many others will benefit from my (our) lessons.

I wanted to tell you this so you won’t be mad anymore.  While this is rough and I really feel for Stew, it’s not all bad.  In the end it probably will have saved my life. 

I love you

In other news.  Stew is bald.  Shaved for the cause.  I’m not bald yet, but I have a wig.  Looks gorgeous.  I’m wearing it, because it’s easier than fixing my hair.  The wig thing and a couple of great buys at Ross dress for less has really picked up my spirits.  That has helped a lot.  I have to remember the connect between mind and body.  Look good feel good thing. 

I love you still

Margaret Margo Rose